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Divorce brings major changes into your family life, including how you choose to celebrate the holidays. Most families wind up holding onto some of their old traditions while introducing some new innovations. However you go about celebrating the holidays, intentionality is key. Figure out what and how you want to handle the holidays and have the calm discussion with your Ex before things start to happen and get out of control.
Because parents are adults, they need to make sacrifices for their children.
And because children are children, they shouldn’t have to make sacrifices for their parents.
Child Mind Institute
If you’re looking to smooth your transition at holiday time, here are steps you can take with your kids to make the season better for everybody.
1. Arrange The Schedule With Your Ex For Holiday Visitation In Advance.
Address the visitation rights in writing as part of your divorce agreement.
- You can always make modifications if things change over the years, but this will give you some framework for going forward. The simple solution – Alternating years usually works best for many people.
2. Stay In Touch When Your Kids Are Away.
Try to let your children have some contact with both parents. You can arrange a phone time in advance. With today’s tech, video calls are the next best thing to being there in person.
3. Create Your Own Special Occasions.
Take this opportunity to double your fun. If your kids are spending this year with their other parent, make up a reason to throw your own party when they get back. You can watch cartoons and exchange gifts in honor of SpongeBob SquarePants or the invention of ice cream.
4. Coordinate Gift Giving And Spending.
You or your ex-spouse may feel tempted to spend too much on gifts in an effort to compensate for the disruptions caused by the divorce to your children’s lives.
- Try to find common ground on gift giving so you can stick to your budgets and avoid creating resentments.
- As a way to show that you and your Ex are still both their parents, even though no longer married, you may still be able to pool your funds for the big ticket items like bikes and electronics.
5. Radiate Good Cheer.
Put up a positive front for your kids. Reassure them that you’re in control of the situation and are making arrangements for everyone to have a good time.
BAM! Men need to live their lives as authentically as possible. However, with children and especially younger children you are going to have to buck up and take one for the team. Divorce is already stressful for kids so you need to do your best to minimize their stress by not showing yours. Easier said than done, we know. You gotta do it for them.
Look to the future – When they are older and more mature and without letting them feel any blame, you can let them know that it was a tough time for you too and how you were able to constructively get through it. It can be a lesson in perseverance for them.
6. Allow Your Kids To Be Heard.
Avoid burdening small children with making decisions that are beyond their capacity. Instead, engage them in conversation to get a sense of what’s most important to them. Maybe they want a traditional holiday dinner. Or perhaps they’d be just as happy with a less formal meal. Maybe they just want to spend the day binge watching their favorite TV or movie series. Make the popcorn and get into it with them.
Steps That Ease Your Own Transition Into The “Single Life”
1. As Always, Budget Carefully.
Divorce often creates financial hardship. This can be made worse by the commercial pressures of the holiday season and time spent with your children.
- Be realistic if you need to cut back. There are lots of free and inexpensive indulgences to enjoy, like community concerts or making crafts together.
- Pull out some old toys or building sets that they haven’t played with for a while.
- Still have the old Atari 2600? – Let them have a try and show them what video games were like when you were younger.
2. Distract Yourself With Constructive Things To Do With Your Time.
You’re bound to experience some intense emotions. If you start feeling blue, look for more constructive activities to divert your thoughts and engage your mind.
- Read books.
- Take an online course.
- Start to learn a new skill.
- Start learning a new language.
- Learn Yoga or Tai Chi.
- Listen to your favorite music that you haven’t listened to in years.
- Indulge yourself a little: Watch Risky Business or Ferris Buelers Day Off, again or for the first time!
The list is practically endless. And, for the record, no, not the usual time-wasters that we men can waste our time with.
3. If You Need To Downplay The Holidays And Especially New Year’s Eve.
If you feel more comfortable detaching from the seasonal festivities, that may be the best option for you. Practice yoga, read that book or do anything else from the list above if that makes you happier than attending a big New Year’s Eve bash.
4. Road Trip Anyone?
If your family situation and finances permit, this may be a great time to travel. Fulfill a long-time wish to visit an exotic destination and get absorbed in new experiences.
Or hit the road by yourself, if you can.
5. Do Not Go At It Alone – Reach Out For Support.
There is no shame in asking for help and getting some help. You may find your experiences easier to manage if you talk your feelings over with a professional counselor or friends. Spiritual traditions may also be a source of strength.
6. Help Others.
Helping others makes the holidays more rewarding and can be the beginning of some great new traditions for you to develop and appreciate. Try doing some volunteer work. Or just look around to see if you know people who may be spending the day alone and would love to be invited to a potluck at your home.
Section Conclusion
Divorce and holidays can trigger strong emotions. At these times, we tend to have head-on encounters with our expectations surrounding romantic interests and our family bonds. Keep an open mind and go easy with yourself and your kids so that you can start to embrace new traditions coming into your new life and holiday routine. Find new and fun ways to enjoy the time that you share together. Find constructive ways to spend your time when you are alone.
BAM! Be A Man. Do The Right Thing. Take Care Of Yourself And Your Family.
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Don't Let Your Divorce Ruin The Holidays For You
We can admit it. Divorce or separation is hard on us men too. During the rest of the year we are usually busy with our usual routine – Work, exercise, hobbies, etc. But during the holiday season it is too easy to be reminded of what once was and about the limited time spent with our children or just simply being alone.
If this is your first holiday after a divorce, or you are still having a tough time during the holidays, remember that it’s only natural to feel down and lonely especially at this time of the year. Contrary to popular belief, we men have feelings too, so yes it is more than okay to have them. However, you can overcome these feelings and still have a special holiday that you can enjoy and remember well.
One key to a meaningful holiday season is to find some other things to focus on. Focus, instead, on the freedom that you have to do things for yourself and for others this holiday season.
Divorce is a New Beginning
If you’ve recently been divorced, the holidays can be especially challenging. Feeling alone and vulnerable is hard, and it’s more complex when everyone around you seems to be celebrating in family groups.
Even though the divorce rate is about fifty-percent of all marriages, the media and advertisements seem to only show happy people and their families celebrating together. But you can find reason to celebrate, too.
Yes, a big chapter of your life may have been closed but you need to find the way to look forward to the new chapter of your life that is now beginning.
This year, strive to celebrate your:
- Independence – Use the freedom wisely!
- New home – Maybe it isn’t much, but it is yours. Fix ‘er up a bit?
- New opportunities – You probably have some extra time to do things that you have put off. Now is the time!
- Relationships with friends and loved ones – Catch up with some people in your life that you may have lost touch with.
It Could Be Worse. It Can Always Be Worse.
There are always things to be thankful for if you look for them. Consider keeping a gratitude journal, where you regularly reflect on the people and experiences of that day that you’re grateful for (You know, you could be writing a journal throughout the year!). Make the effort to focus on what’s good in your life, rather than what seems to be missing.
Of course, it is normal to feel a bit down or to be uncertain about the future. However, an overall change of focus can get you through the holidays with good spirits and good cheer. Give of yourself to other people who have less, and your perspective will quickly change for the better. Keep in mind that there are always others with less than you have or in a worse of position than you are in.
Give Some To Get Some.
Give of yourself to others to get back some personal holiday rewards. When you’re feeling down and out of sorts, it can be easy to retreat into a shell and spend all of your time alone. Instead, make the choice to focus outside of your personal situation. Get out of your own head.
You can help children in need, visit the elderly or spend time at the animal shelter. There are always ways to help. By helping others you are also helping yourself.
Volunteer This Holiday Season
Volunteering is one of the best ways to feel better during the holidays. It keeps you from spending your free time over-thinking about your concerns for your situation. It also helps you remember that you have a lot of things to be thankful for.
Your mood will lift when you have a chance to help others and make a difference in their lives. It’s one of the easiest ways to see that you still matter and that you have a lot to offer to someone who might be hurting, too.
Spend Time With Good People And Good Friends
Surround yourself with positive people who will encourage you to use your gifts and talents. Nurture the friendships that nurture your soul and bring out the best in you. Your best is still within you.
Be that solid good friend for others, and you’ll experience a constant flow of positive energy that will fuel you toward finding the meaning in your life that you were born to experience.
As hard as it may be. do your best to not burden them with your problems. That is not the point to be spending time with them right now.
Conclusion
Even if your relationship or marriage ended differently than you’d planned, there are plenty of good things in your life that you can still appreciate.
By focusing on others and hanging around with positive people, you can survive and even thrive through the holidays – even after a recent divorce or separation. Make it your choice that today is a new beginning and the start of the renewal you need to move on with your life by changing your perspective. When you do this, you’ll experience a warm and memorable holiday season and future holidays will become easier and easier for you.
BAM! Be A Man. Do The Right Thing. Take Care Of Yourself And Your Family.
BAM! Be A Man. Do The Right Thing.
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